Monday, June 23, 2014

7 Reasons To Go 700 Miles With Two Kids

I recently completed a 700 mile (one way) road trip with my two children.  Although we make this trip multiple times per year, this most recent cruise in the Honda Partymobile was, as my son says, EPIC.

The Honda Partymobile.
Here are 7 reasons why everyone should drive 700 miles with two children.  (My children or yours.  It doesn't matter.)

1. My children are 8 and 10 years old.  We are in the stage of listening to music ad nauseam.  It's not horrible at first, until you listen to a Maroon 5 song about eleventy-hundred times across four states.  

2. The above song not only was played eleventy-hundred times, but my son didn't sing the words correctly.  In fact, even when he was corrected, he continued to sing the incorrect words on purpose.  

The correct lyrics, "...caught you in the morning..." 
became my son's version, "...punched you in the nugget..." 
This continued for hundreds of miles.

Me: "What is a nugget and why is he being punched in it?"
My son: "I have no idea." <punches air with his fist repeatedly while screaming incorrect lyrics>

I don't even know.  Although I know he is frustrated with me over the "punching the nugget" issue.

3. My daughter spent a good entire state trying to convince me that Christopher Columbus was killed by bears and dinosaurs.  According to Beary, her stuffed bear, people are actually evolved from a combination of bears and shape-shifting iguanas. 

You can read more about Beary's opinions here:

Christopher Columbus apparently had an untimely death.

4. This same daughter also insists that the first person on earth was actually named "Hugh-Man" instead of Adam or Eve or even "human."  

5. My daughter's bear, the one who is the ancestor to all humans, also put on a dance show in the car.  'Lil Jon was rapping about turning down for what, and Beary was amazing.  (All parents listen to 'Lil Jon with their kids, right?  Crunk ain't dead, you know.)

Beary says that Crunk ain't dead.

6. After a day of taking multiple trips to the restroom in various truck stops, my son drops his Watermelon Push Pop onto the floor of the car, right where the bottom of his restroom-truck-stop-walking shoes have been all day.  Of course, he picks it up and puts the Push Pop back in his mouth.  Awesome.

I explain to him why this made me gag.  He looks at his Push Pop sadly and says, "I'm going to throw this away.  I feel sick."

Ten minutes later, I look over and the Push Pop is in his mouth again.  I give up.

The 5-Second Rule Doesn't Apply to Push Pops
Image from

7. Soon after the bear was done dancing to 'Lil Jon, I hear Veggie Tales turn up and a cucumber is singing about a belly button.  What?  Where did they find this CD after like five years of heaven without it?!  And how do they still know the words?

And so, this completes yet another epic summer road trip, with no speeding ticket or vomiting to show for it.  Success.

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